I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
