literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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