i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
either way he was missing a nipple.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
