He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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