The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
In other news, I just burned my penis
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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