I met the friendliest cop last night
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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