I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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