just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
