I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
