please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
