I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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