My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
