i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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