If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
