My girlfriend figured out who you are.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
