Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
