I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
