How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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