please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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