Even water is tasting like jack daniels
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
