cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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