Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I intend to get homeless drunk
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
