i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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