Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
