meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
