I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
