when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
