Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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