Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
