I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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