I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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