can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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