hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
