i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
