so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
