so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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