yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Randomize
