Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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