If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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