matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
