wanna go halves on a baby?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
