Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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