She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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