Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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