Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
