Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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