I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
