he wants to bone in the snuggie
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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