how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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