The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
