Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
