what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
my phone needs a breathalizer
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
