guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Two words: nipple clamps
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