i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
