Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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