my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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