there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
