We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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