I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize