I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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