I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
