my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
barbara walters just said penis...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
