Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
